oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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