Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize