Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
