are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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