i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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