whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize