Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
