mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
