The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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