Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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