I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
