I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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