Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
