did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
