I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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