Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
