I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize