I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
