If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
