chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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