Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize