I wish I could punch you in the face.
My first STD was from a foam party
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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