My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
