i think my mom watched the whole time
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need a beard to bite.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
