you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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