I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
