shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
