WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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