my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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