Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
