a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
