The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
