for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
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