I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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