hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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