I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
