You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
