oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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