You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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