He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
