Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
