I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
