Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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