I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize