We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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