You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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