never play flip cup with pint glasses
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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