did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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