im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
