Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
