no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
