all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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