I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
