So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
