I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize