Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
