My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
