No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
