I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
