Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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