I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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