WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My dick has a subreddit
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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